Odyssey
Being Present, with an aside about parenting
The Rev. David Collins
September 29, 2024
Today we’re talking about being present. It’s something we all struggle with in our day to day lives. But somehow we’re all experts at it when we’re on vacation.
“Oh my gosh, this is the GREATEST cup of coffee I’ve ever tasted!.”
“Look at that tree! Why have I never noticed how amazing trees are before?”
“I just want to live in this moment forever!”
Have you ever said something like that on vacation? It’s not because the coffee is better, or the trees are more unique. It’s us. We’re different on vacation.
We are living in the present moment. But mostly because we don’t have to work. Even better is if your phone number doesn’t have service. And way above that is if the kids aren’t pulling on your arm, and are hundred of miles away from the nearest ball field. It’s not hard being present when you have nothing else to do.
Have you ever heard about someone that took a vacation to someplace like Hawaii and loved it so much that they said what we all say, “Gosh I wish I could live here?” And then actually did move there? It usually turns out that unless they move there for retirement, daily life is not nearly as peaceful as vacation. It’s hard to be present when you’re sitting in traffic. Why would you even want to be?
There’s another kind of trip that’s closer to real life, though. A journey. Dare I say it…an odyssey. Doing a through hike, or taking a pilgrimage, or just going to a family reunion…those are a little more like real life, in that, you’re aware of the present, but you’re thinking about where you’re going just as much. You’re focused on the goal. Samwise Gamgee never said to Frodo, “You know Mr, Frodo, we should just enjoy every moment and be here now. Who cares about getting to Mt. Doom? It’s about the journey, not the destination!”
Sometimes it really is mostly about the destination. The goal you’re striving for. The mission you want to accomplish.
As you all know, because we can’t stop talking about it, Megan and I just became empty-nesters, which was the goal.
No, we’re not done parenting yet. We won’t know if we were successful for another 20 years.
But it’s been that way all along. Before we had kids, all we could think about was getting pregnant. And then when we were pregnant, all we could think about was the birth, and then once he was born, all we wanted was for him to sleep through the night, and then once he did that, it was all about crossing off one accomplishment after another, and it would be nice if he did it a little earlier than the other kids…first scoot, first step, first word. Always what’s next, right?
And then, once he started walking, we couldn't wait for him to start talking. And once he started talking, we immediately wondered when he'd stop talking. And then we added another one into the mix, and now we’re doing the same thing for him, except not quite as much, let’s be honest, because …you know, he’s the second one.
And before we knew it, we were focused on preschool, then kindergarten. And then there’s the milestones like reading or riding a bike—it’s like this unspoken race you find yourself in, trying to balance pride in what he's doing with this weird sense of urgency about his future.
What’s next? What’s next? You look up, middle school, an hour later, high school, now you’ve got to think about college applications.
And all along, people who have gone through it and now have some perspective say really helpful things like, “Soak up every minute!”. Which…no. We only say that because of the amnesia.
But everyone does have that faint, and sometimes throbbing sensation that we’re all spending so much time chasing the next thing that we barely soak in the now. Like when he was tiny, and we were so focused on that elusive full night’s sleep, I never fully appreciated the way he’d nestle into my chest, or how his little fingers would grab onto mine.
We get so caught up in the next milestone that we forget to be present in the moments between them. And those moments, the ones where nothing big is happening—those might be the ones that matter the most.
Aside about Parenting
Before we were parents, or pastors, we were youth ministers, so we got to see a lot of parenting close up, both the good and the bad. The biggest, most common, mistake we saw, was when parents tried to play catch up. When parents let their kids pretty much raise themselves when they were little, and then try to make up for it, or catch up, when they were teenagers. (Now, if your goal is to make your kids go no-contact with you when they’re adults, it is the way to go). Turns out, that’s not the way people, or relationships, work.
Because of our experience, and from what we know about people through science, and our faith, we went with the idea that the little person who hadn’t even been born yet, was pretty much going to be who he was going to be. He wasn’t a formless lump of clay that we could shape into our vision of the perfect human.
He wasn’t ours. He was his. And he was God’s.
We decided that we couldn’t make great kids, or even great adults. Our job was to give our children healthy childhoods. That didn’t mean giving them every experience, so they could discover who they really were. “They are who they are when that got here.” And it didn’t mean protecting them from every harm, which we discovered when one of them got run over. But that IS the reason that he was in talk-therapy as soon as we could wheel him in there.
We realized that the biggest power parents had was destructive. We couldn’t make them be who we wanted them to be, but we could sure mess them up!
And the most likely way that parents tend to mess their kids up is by not dealing with their own issues. By not reconciling with their past. By being completely obsessed with their family’s future. By never learning to be present.
So that’s what we’re going to focus on today.
Being Present.
This is not a controversial topic. Half of the self-help books out there are about being present, and the other half are about getting ahead. Nothing about falling behind though. Mindfulness is a hot topic, whether your teacher is Eckhart Tolle or Winnie the Pooh, everyone agrees that being present is good and being distracted is bad.
And when that’s as much as we think about it, we usually come to the same conclusion too…sure I’ll be present, if the moment is awesome!
So we buy tickets, and take trips, and take pictures of all these awesome moments so that other people can see what awesome moments we’re being present in, and that will help me be present-er. But first, oh wait, I’m doing my weird smile in this one…oh look Johhny commented…let me just reply real quick. Then I’ll get right back to being present.
The Apostle Paul actually wrote a bit about this in his second letter to the church in Corinth. It’s kind of a weird section, that leads to one of the most memorable things he ever penned. Paul is defending his ministry against wolves in sheep clothing who came into this faith community he founded and started putting him down, and claiming that real spiritual leaders have mind-blowing visions all the time. (Good thing there aren’t any churches that do that any more…)
It’s also about, I think, how these perfect moments that we chase so we can be present aren't really where it’s at.
2 Corinthians 12:1-10
1 It is necessary to boast; nothing is to be gained by it, but I will go on to visions and revelations of the Lord. 2 I know a person in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven—whether in the body or out of the body I do not know; God knows.
Paul is talking about himself here, but he’s too humble to just come out and say it. Paul had a vision too. It wasn’t a regular thing, and it’s not something he likes to talk about.
3 And I know that such a person—whether in the body or out of the body I do not know; God knows— 4 was caught up into Paradise and heard things that are not to be told, that no mortal is permitted to repeat.
It was one of those incredible, perfect spiritual highs. So incredible that he is only talking about it because someone else made him. And even so, he’s not going to go into details.
5 On behalf of such a one I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses. 6 But if I wish to boast, I will not be a fool, for I will be speaking the truth. But I refrain from it, so that no one may think better of me than what is seen in me or heard from me, 7 even considering the exceptional character of the revelations.
As hard as that is to read, it’s nice to know that one of the great heroes of our faith sometimes just couldn’t express himself either. Word salad is an ancient dish. But it’s just two and a half verses. Here’s the good part.
Therefore, to keep me from being too elated, a thorn was given to me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated. 8 Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me,
No one knows exactly what the thorn in the flesh was. There’s lots of speculation, but no certainty. It may have been a health condition or an injury, it might have been a chronic temptation, or a mental condition like depression or anxiety. It could have been a really annoying neighbor. No one knows for sure what Paul was referring to. We do infer that it started when Paul was an adult though. He wasn’t born with it. It happened to him later.
Paul’s thorn in the flesh ruined whatever perfection he thought he had, from his accomplishments or from this incredible spiritual moment he experienced. Pain does that, whatever its source. Paul’s adversaries were teaching the people that God wanted them to be free from pain, that total peace and perfection was proof of God’s presence, and it can be yours if you’ll just pledge your allegiance, and sign up for the payment plan. They are still with us, unfortunately. But that’s not what God told Paul.
9 but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’
That’s the key to being present, actually, forrealskys, present. Not just putting on a great face, that same smile you make in every photo (mine is “: D”). But actually present.
Grace is sufficient for every moment. The good ones, the bad one, and all the ones in between. Power is made perfect in weakness.
Power is made perfect in weakness.
Some of you have made a habit of running from and blocking out the feelings you don’t like. I know this because I’m an expert. And you can’t just flip a switch to fully feeling all your feelings. It just doesn’t work that way. But do you know what you can do?
Observe them. Notice them. Witness them like they aren’t you, but are just reactions in your brain. Because that’s what they are! It doesn’t mean they aren’t real. They are. But start by noticing them the way you might look at a painting.
What is that color the artist used there? Oh it’s sadness. Deep sadness. And don’t look away. Keep watching it. See where it goes, what it connects to. Why did that sadness pop up when I saw that guy? Did he remind me of someone? Yeah. He really did.
This can help you feel things you might not have been willing to feel before. And it can help you feel other things a little less that may have gotten amplified and over-identified with.
The language we think in really does affect the way we think, and English is really bad about this. When we feel something, how do we phrase it? I am. I am sad. I am angry. I am HUNGRY! Do you hear the difference between “I am sad” and ‘I notice sad feelings in me?”
When you make something a part of your identity, it takes on a life of its own. But that’s not what’s really happening. You didn’t change. You aren’t those things. You have those feelings. You are feeling those emotions. They aren’t you. But when you think they are, you start to have feelings about your feelings, and that’s when it really goes off the rails, isn't it? That’s when you start to judge and analyze. That’s when feeling turns into thinking. But it can all be headed off at the pass by just noticing that it’s there. Accepting that it’s there like a cat that comes and goes as it pleases.
God’s grace is enough for every moment, and God’s power is made perfect in our true reality…our weakness.
So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ;
For whenever I am weak, then I am strong.
Do you hear the way that’s written? It’s true. It’s 100% the word of God true, exactly the way it’s written. It doesn’t say, “Whenever I am weak, I work on it until I am strong, and then I am strong.” It doesn’t say, ‘Whenever I am weak, I point out how other people are also weak, and weaker than me I might add, so therefore I am strong.” It doesn’t say, “Whenever I am weak, I tell the story of who is to blame for my weakness, and then it’s okay so I’m strong right?”
No. It’s at the exact moment that I’m weak that I am strong because God’s grace is ultimately what I live in, in the present moment. So I can show up, and be present, even when I feel weak, and vulnerable, and unsure. Which is great because that’s how I usually feel.
God Love You NOW
God loves you. Do you know that? You! Not you in near future, after you’ve lost a little weight and saved a little money. God loves YOU. Now. Not the you in the past, when you were all shiny and sure, and full of hope. God love you. NOW.
Right here and right now, God accepts you for who you are. Not so he can change you into someone a little more lovable. God just loves …you. And God will continue to love you, even if you never get this stuff that I’m talking about.
But what if you did? What if you and I actually started believing that God loves us right here and right now, with no strings or pre-conditions. Just take a second and breathe that in.
Close your eyes and breath that in. God loves me. ME!
Now open your eyes and look at all the other people this is also true for. Look at the person next to you. God loves them right here and right now. Not when they get their act together. Not before they did that thing that they did. God loves them right here, and right now.
Do you?
You can.
There is nothing you have to hide. Nothing they have to conceal. Grace is sufficient. The power of love is made perfect in weakness. When we let go of the need to always have it together, we allow others to see us as we are—and that’s where true love and community are formed. That’s what family really means. That’s what friendship really is. That’s what it means to be a husband, a wife, a parent, a sibling, a child.
Love your people NOW. Love yourself NOW. Love God NOW.
There is no other time to do it. There is no other time at all. Love can only be real now. In the here and now, there is no room to think about how things should be, or how you, or they, could be better.
So listen deeply.
Show up and be there.
Allow your loved ones to see you as you are—flaws and all.
Let go of the future. Trust that God holds the future, and be fully present where you are now.
Feel all your feelings, and feel other peoples too. Weep with those who weep. Celebrate with those who celebrate.
Forget all about yourself and just be.
Being present sounds simple, and it is, but it’s also shift everything.
What if, instead of just reserving our presence for those vacation moments, we learned how to show up in the everyday, in the routine, in the struggle? What if we could be like Paul, who learned that in his weakness, he was actually strong because of God’s grace?
That’s really the key, isn’t it? Being present isn’t about waiting for perfect moments. It’s about showing up in the imperfect ones. It’s about seeing ourselves and others through the lens of grace, not judgment. It’s letting go of that future version of ourselves, that better version we think we need to become before we can be fully loved or accepted.
The truth is, God’s grace is sufficient for you now. It’s sufficient for me now. We don’t have to wait until we’re stronger, more polished, or put together. And we don’t have to wait for others to be perfect before we love them either. We can start showing up, right here, right now, flaws and all.
As parents, spouses, friends, or just as people in this world, we need to be, we get to be, present. To truly love our people in the moments we have with them now. Not the moments we’re chasing or hoping for. Today. Right now. Because God’s grace is enough for this very moment, no matter what.
So this week, let’s practice being present. With ourselves. With each other. With God.
And remember: God loves us just as we are right now—not the person we’re working on becoming, not the person we used to be. Now. This is the moment to love. This is the moment to live.
Amen.
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