Sermon from Sunday, January 19
The Rev. Megan Collins
Dave and I both are not big fans of conflict. Perhaps because of that we’re especially attuned to when we see a potential conflict on the horizon and we try to diffuse it, if we can.
When our boys were in elementary school, we lived in a small town in Ohio. It was one of those places where the kids would walk home from school and play outside all afternoon until it got dark. Even then they would stay out into the evening playing flashlight tag and ghost in the graveyard. One afternoon I looked out the back window to check on the kids, and I saw something that made my conflict radar start buzzing. There was one group of 9 year old girls on the left side of our yard. They were standing in a clump, arms on their hips, eyes squinted and fixed. I followed their gaze to the other side of the yard, where another small group of girls stood with a very similar posture. Conflict was clearly brewing between these two groups of girls. Then I saw my son. There he stood, in between the packs of angry girls, nervously holding a large rock.
I went out onto the back porch, and gently called his name, inviting him to come inside. He stood still, frozen in place. I called him again, and he said in a quiet voice “I can’t come inside. That group of girls over there told me to take this rock to that other group of girls. They said it’s friendship rock and I should take it over there because they aren’t friends anymore.”
"Son," I said, "put down the rock."
He looked at me and slowly lowered the rock down to the ground, like you would a bomb, and then he ran inside.
Our experience in conflict starts when we are really young. We know it’s unavoidable. Conflict is everywhere. It’s always going to be a part of our lives. Like Dave talked about last week, even if we don’t like conflict, there are good things we can learn from it.
We also know we didn’t invent conflict. Conflict has certainly been around since there have been people. Because of this our Bible is full of stories of conflict. The good news that gives us lots to pull from as we learn how we can handle conflict with grace. Today we’ll look at a story from the life of Abram, who would go on to become Abraham, and his nephew Lot. Before we read their story, let’s set the scene. Just before our passage for today, the Lord says to Abram:
“‘Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. 2 I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing." (Gen 12:1)
Then Abram does what God has told him to do.. He takes his wife and his nephew Lot and a whole caravan of people and their possessions to start this journey God has called them to. Soon there is a famine, so he detours his group into Egypt to try and survive it. Things in Egypt take a strange turn. Abram looks at his wife and sees how beautiful she is and decides the best course of action is to have her tell people she is his sister, so they don’t kill him to take her. She does this, but then when the pharaoh takes notice of how pretty she is, he takes her into his house to be with him. The Lord punishes Pharaoh for taking Abram’s wife, even though he thought it was his sister, and when Pharaoh finds out why he is being punished he tells the whole group of them to hit the road, and they do. That brings us to our story for today in chapter 13.
So Abram went up from Egypt, he and his wife and all that he had, and Lot with him, into the Negeb. (Gen 13:1)
Abram and his family, who have been kicked out of Egypt by Pharaoh after the whole pretending my wife is my sister debacle, head into the Negeb. They are this huge group of people and possessions traveling together.
Have you ever taken a trip with your family, crammed into a car with all of your stuff loaded up to the ceiling? If you have, you can sense that there is already a potential for conflict here. They are traveling. They are all together. They have all of their things to deal with. The foundation for conflict in this story has been laid.
2 Now Abram was very rich in livestock, in silver, and in gold. (Gen 13:2)
Not only are they traveling, but Abram is rich. One thing hasn’t changed, and that’s that people love to fight over money. This feels like a conflict just waiting to happen.
3 He journeyed on by stages from the Negeb as far as Bethel, to the place where his tent had been at the beginning, between Bethel and Ai, 4 to the place where he had made an altar at the first; and there Abram called on the name of the Lord. (Gen 13:3-4)
Maybe Abram sensed some tension forming or maybe he didn’t. Either way, he did the most important thing any of us can do when there is a lot going on: he prays. He calls on the name of the Lord. As we read the rest of this story, we’ll find several tools for de-escalating conflict. These are things that worked for Abram and Lot, and that we can do today to bring down the temperature in the conflicts in our lives. Our first deescalation tool is the one we just saw. It’s simple but it’s also the most important.
Pray
When you pray, it gets your thinking focused on the right things, on what God intends for you. It gets your priorities back in line. You might think you can navigate conflict on your own. You can’t. Get God involved right from the beginning. If you pray as soon as you feel things heat up, you are much more likely to make the right choices as things progress.
5 Now Lot, who went with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents, 6 so that the land could not support both of them living together; for their possessions were so great that they could not live together, (Gen 13:5-6)
We saw this coming, didn’t we? They have been traveling together. They both have a lot of possessions and people with them. Now they are out of room. The land can’t support all of them living together.
7 and there was strife between the herders of Abram’s livestock and the herders of Lot’s livestock. At that time the Canaanites and the Perizzites lived in the land. (Gen 13:7)
This is classic conflict behavior. Conflicts often escalate not with the people who can do something about it, but with everyone else who gets involved. The escalation here is not between Abram and Lot. It’s between the herders of their livestock. There is chatter out in the fields. The group text heats up, and the parking lot conversations have begun. This is what is so dangerous about conflict. It’s seldom the fight between the two people who can solve it that causes the biggest problems. It’s all the other people who get involved, that’s when things tend to spiral out of control. Now Abram can see directly that there is a conflict, and what does he do? He addresses it right away. He doesn’t let it fester. He doesn’t wait for it to really blow up. He doesn’t wait for someone else to deal with it. He doesn’t stir the pot and make it worse. He also doesn’t hide from it. He addresses the conflict, head on, as soon as it becomes a problem. This is our second deescalation tool for conflict.
Address it
Address the conflict head on. Don’t stir the pot behind the scenes and make it worse. Don’t run from it and leave it for someone else to deal with. Address it.
8 Then Abram said to Lot, ‘Let there be no strife between you and me, and between your herders and my herders; (Gen 13:8a)
Our people are rumbling. This conflict is growing. Let’s put a stop to it. He doesn’t just address it. In this one sentence, we also have a third tool for de-escalation. As you address it:
Set your intention for resolution.
Set your intention to resolve the conflict. Abram says “let there be no strife between us and our people.” Right from the start, he is clear he intends for them to stop fighting. You could say that to someone “let there be no strife between you and me.” Or you could say “I’d like to find a way forward” or “Let’s not let this come between us.” Show that your intention in addressing someone about a conflict isn’t to fight or to make it worse, but to find a way forward, together. Then look at what he said next:
“for we are kindred” (Gen 13:8b)
Abram reminds the both of them that they aren’t strangers in a fight. They are kindred. They are family. That’s our fourth de-escalation tool:
Remember relationships
If you are in a conflict with someone, remind yourself (and them) of your relationship to one another. The biggest conflicts in your life won’t likely be with a stranger, where there is nothing really to lose. Remember the relationship. You are my family. You are my friend. You are my brother or sister in Christ. We can disagree and also remember what we are, to one another. Then Abram says this:
9 Is not the whole land before you? Separate yourself from me. If you take the left hand, then I will go to the right; or if you take the right hand, then I will go to the left.’ (Gen 13:9)
Abram then takes the next step and he offers a solution. Let’s look closely at what he does here. Abram tells Lot to look at all the land in front of them and choose which side he wants. He says if you choose left, I’ll go right. If you take the right, I’ll go to the left. Abram offers a solution, but it’s a solution where he doesn't necessarily win.
He doesn’t say to Lot "Here’s what we should do. I’ll stay here, and you go find somewhere else to live." Diffusing a fight usually doesn’t start with “I’ll take everything I want and you will just calm down about it.” If anything, that would make it worse, right? Abram offers a solution where he doesn’t necessarily win.
It’s a risk. He knows he might end up with the short end of the stick. But he can take that risk because Abram trusts God. He trusts what God has already promised. He trusts that the same God who said “I will make you a great nation and bless you” will do just that. So Abram offers a solution where he doesn’t win.
But he also doesn’t offer a solution where he loses. Abram also doesn’t say “You know, I don’t want us to fight anymore, so you just take it all, and I’ll go. I’d rather lose everything than have any conflict with you.” Deescalating conflict is good. But it’s not truly resolution, it’s not really deescalated, if we just give up and leave. That’s just burying it for later.
Notice he also doesn’t offer a solution where all the herdsmen become best friends and everyone just lives together. In some conflicts, the solution will need some space, some boundaries between the people in conflict.
So our next tool in de-escalating conflict is offering a real solution. A real solution is one where you won’t necessarily win, where you also aren’t a doormat, and with the boundaries and space that are needed for it to be sustainable.
So what happened next? What did Lot choose?
10 Lot looked about him, and saw that the plain of the Jordan was well watered everywhere like the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt, in the direction of Zoar; this was before the Lord had destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. 11 So Lot chose for himself all the plain of the Jordan, and Lot journeyed eastwards; thus they separated from each other. 12 Abram settled in the land of Canaan, while Lot settled among the cities of the Plain and moved his tent as far as Sodom. 13 Now the people of Sodom were wicked, great sinners against the Lord. (Gen 13:10-13)
Lot chooses the land that looked the most fruitful. There’s a lot of speculation about how much Lot really knew about Sodom when he made this choice. Was Lot wicked and wanted to move into the wicked neighborhood to do wicked things? Or did he just see the fruitfulness of the land in that direction and take it to provide for all the people with him? We can’t really know. But Lot makes his choice, and (this is the important part for us) Abram honors it. Abram honors the choice Lot made.
The text doesn’t tell us that Abram sulked off into his land, angry at Lot for taking what looked to be the better side. It doesn’t say he harbored some grudge against him, even though they had agreed on the solution. If you have read further into Genesis, you know Lot’s story is far from over, and Sodom has a dark history ahead of it. But Abram didn’t know all of that then. He did know one thing: He trusted God with his future, and he trusted God with Lot’s future too. Our final step in de-escalating conflict takes us back where we started.
Trust God.
Trust God with your future, with what’s next for you, as things are resolved.
Trust God with their future too, with the future of the person you are fighting with. Whether they prosper or are punished, that’s not up to you. That’s not for you to decide. That’s God’s business. The conflict isn’t really over if you are holding on to it. Abram trusts God. And this is how the story ends:
14 The Lord said to Abram, after Lot had separated from him, ‘Raise your eyes now, and look from the place where you are, northwards and southwards and eastwards and westwards; 15 for all the land that you see I will give to you and to your offspring for ever. 16 I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth; so that if one can count the dust of the earth, your offspring also can be counted. 17 Rise up, walk through the length and the breadth of the land, for I will give it to you.’ 18 So Abram moved his tent, and came and settled by the oaks of Mamre, which are at Hebron; and there he built an altar to the Lord. (Gen 13:14-18)
Today we saw several tools for deescalating conflict in the story of Abram and Lot. These are things we can try in the conflicts in our own lives. Every conflict is different, which is why we’re doing a whole series on it. Some of the things you learn each week will work better for certain conflicts than others. Even if we don't get it right all the time, it’s critical that we do try, because navigating conflict with grace isn’t just for you, and your personal benefit.
There are people watching you, in your life: your kids, your friends, the people who work with you and for you, the people here, in your church. They are watching the way you handle conflict. Navigating conflict with grace not only deescalates it for you. It also provides a model for others of what this can look like, if we do it well.
In a world full of conflict, what if we did things differently?
This doesn’t mean we won’t have conflict in our lives, or in our families, or in our jobs, or even here in the church. There will always be conflict. There is good stuff that can come out on the otherside. But the way we handle it, how we handle conflict, that is a part of our ministry.
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